East vs. West Rant

A couple of weeks ago, there was a lot of hype in the media about a Yale law professor who boldly claimed that the Chinese method of parenting of superior. Amy Chua was promoting her newest book, a memoir about raising her two Chinese-Jewish daughters in the same manner in which she was raised. If you read any of the numerous articles, editorials, opinions, blogs, comments that followed her interview in the Wall Street Journal, you'll know her beliefs stirred up lots of emotions everywhere. Despite her assertions that she wasn't referring to Chinese parents per se, but rather the parenting styles of Asian immigrants, many Chinese folks either took offence or stood proudly. There were individuals who pointed out that while such parenting styles may produce high achieving, top scoring students who did well in maths and sciences, these same students were poor at thinking outside the box or taking on leadership roles. Others wrote in about having psychological and deep emotional scars from being raised in such a regime, where piano or violin playing competed with doing math sums for hours on end. Some folks couldn't understand the controversy in the parenting techniques since the Western laid-back style is now producing a generation of lazy, self-entitled idiots while Asian countries are still producing academic superstars. There was also the population segment who felt supported and vindicated by Amy Chua since their parenting methods clearly did produce "superior" beings.
When the articles came out, I was hot to trot to blog my own response. However, I thought I'd wait to read the actual book before editorializing. But, alas, I haven't found the time to purchase the book, much less read it, since I've been too busy being a tamer version of the Eastern mother. I've been standing guard at the piano, coaching Devlin on his songs, correcting the wrong notes and counting the beat out loud in unison with him. I've been sitting next to him, teaching him how to count money and testing his spelling, and helping with his weekly reading assignments.
While others may haven been horrified at Amy Chua's parenting style, I wasn't. In fact, I saw a lot of myself in her. Okay, I have never rejected a hastily drawn birthday card. I echoed her sentiments in that western parents seemed to give their young children way too much autonomy. For instance, it's true that many Asians are still tinkling the ivories for many years after their western counterparts have moved onto other types of music lessons. Since when does a seven year old know he or she doesn't like the piano/violin/drums/dance etc? If I let Devlin quit an activity every time he complained that he didn't enjoy it, there would be nothing left for him to do. I am all for teaching independence, self control, self assertion and the like, but it starts slowly, and in moderation. Considering all the articles and talk about eating nutritiously, I wonder how parents who are so concerned about goes into their children's bodies are able to adopt such a "devil may care" attitude about extra-curricular activities. Okay, maybe I'm being harsh. But I have heard parents say they are not signing up for another session of gymnastics/soccer/music/etc because their child hated it or didn't seem to enjoy it or didn't "take to it". There are days when I don't enjoy being a parent - can I quit?
Last week, we had yet another meltdown over piano practising. Let's be clear - I am not Amy Chua. There is no way I would make my child practise 3 hours a day. Unless, my child was a concert pianist or majoring in piano at the Julliard School of Music, in which case, 3 hours a day would NOT be enough. But even I never practised 3 hours a day when I was a child and had my own Tiger Mother hovering over me as I banged on the ivories. (Of course, there weren't enough hours in the day for 3 hour practice sessions, considering there were three of us girls who played piano and one boy who tortured us all with the violin.)
But I digress. Devlin was removed from the piano bench since he wasn't able to treat the musical instrument with respect. Until he was calm and tantrum free, he was left to sit on the naughty stool. So he sat. And as he sat, he muttered, "I don't like piano. I already know piano. I've been playing for years and years. I don't know why I have to play piano. It's boring. I don't like piano. It's never going to help me. Piano is no fun."
I struggled to keep my "mad" face on. It was hilarious to hear his rant because it was the EXACT SAME rant I did when I was his age, having to practise piano. So, I tuned it out, aside from pointing out that it hasn't been years and years of piano, rather just weeks and weeks.
So should I let him quit because he dislikes it so much? NO. Life is not about fun and games. We don't always get to do what we want, or follow our whims and desires whenever we feel like. In "forcing" our children to continue with dreaded tasks or sometimes unenjoyable activities, we are also teaching our youngsters to persevere, to learn that hard work is necessary, that skills are learned and not simply acquired without blood, sweat and tears. As much as Devlin complains about piano, or whines about hockey practice, he has shown remarkable improvement in the short weeks he's been involved in these activities.
I know I've picked on Devlin for this blog, but I'm sure Ceilidh and Aisling will not disappoint me. I'm quite certain I will hear the same "I can't, I hate, I don't want" refrain from their lips in a matter of months or years.
Do I agree with everything Amy Chua supposedly preaches? Probably not. I'll let you know for certain once I read the book. Do I think she makes some valid points about the Asian ways of parenting. Probably. Do they work? Probably, considering my siblings and I were products of Asian immigrant parents who stressed academic success, music lessons and who frowned up sleep-overs. Are North American parents complete pushovers? No. Is the Asian/Chinese parenting style superior? Depends on the situation. Is the Amy Chua parenting style only unique to Asian parents. Nope. Is the Asian parenting method really any different from the rabid hockey parents? What about Tiger Woods' dad? Andre Agassi's father? Venus and Serena Williams' dad? Have you seen the figure skating parents rink side? I'd say the energy and importance stressed in academics is similar to that given to athletics here in North America.
All I know is that after the reading the Wall Street Journal article, my mother called and said, "I'm waiting to hear a "thank you" from my children."