In watching the Olympics and reading about the athletes, I'm always struck by similar descriptions of these hard-working athletes. That is, they're often driven by an inner strength, are super-committed to their sport, are every respectful of their fellow athletes and coaches and above all else, the glowing praise they have for their parents. These athletes are often described as polite, insightful, and well-spoken. And here's lies the conundrum for all of us parents - how do we raise our children to be similarly poised when our children are average kids? How do we raise our off-spring to be respectful of others, especially their teachers and parents? How do we instill in our children the drive to succeed without becoming cocky? How do we get our kids to understand and appreciate the hard work the older generations have put in so they may enjoy the gifts they now have?
Obviously we live in a different generation from what we grew up in. We are quite removed the first generation of immigrants who landed in this new, foreign country and toiled night and day to make a better lives for their children. We are far removed from the generation of young men and women who marched off to war to fight for freedom and to preserve the country and world as we now know it. And we have become a generation that frowns upon corporal punishment, both at home and in the classroom. We parent in styles that are vastly different from our parents' generation. Gone are the days when children were seen but not heard. Kids are now center-stage, with their interests and activities taking priority. Dads are more involved, with some dads taking parental leave. Moms are in the workplace, with some moms bringing more bacon than the dads. Single parent families are more common. Gone is the disciplinarian/totalitarian parent, but "being the kids' best friend" parenting style hasn't worked out so well. Lax parenting results in a visit from Jo, the Supernanny.
A colleague and I were discussing what is being termed as the "millenium" effect. Many parents are trying to appear "cool" to their children, and are afraid to show some backbone with their kids. Children push the boundaries (as they will always do), and each time the parent gives up even more control. There's no discipline in the classrooms. Schools, understandably feel that would be an issue for parents. But if kids rule the roost at home, what makes us think they will behave any better at school? If the importance of limits and good behaviour isn't stressed at home, then what makes us believe children will act any differently when they are out of our sight? What results from timid parents who don't set limits, who threaten to punish their children when rules are broken, but ultimately don't follow through? A generation of youngsters who sass their teachers and refuse to conform to class room rules. Kids who don't take pride in their marks. Kids who aren't afraid of authority because the worst that can happen is a suspension from school. Teachers who are tired of dealing with unruly students who hold no respect for authority figure. My sister, who is a high school teacher, made the observation that when confronted about their offspring's behaviour, the parents will jump to their child's defence and place the blame on the teacher for not doing their job. Whose job is it to raise these kids?
Of course, there's also the parenting style known as helicopters. Parents who over-coddle their children so that the kids are unable to relate to the real world. These are the parents who hover on the playground, watching every move with an eagle eye, while wiping every surface with a lysol wipe before their precious child touches it. The parent who zealously inspects every morsel of food that goes past their child's lips. The parents who don't provide their children opportunities to fall, learn from their mistakes, to gain independence. Sometimes, helicopter parents will even go so far as to accompany their child to the university campus, meet the professors and remind the dorm supervisor of their child's various ailments and peculiarities. These are the offspring whose parents have always praised them, never shouted or reprimanded. Their parents have coached them through every step and helped with every homework assignment. They've never held a part-time job or pitched in around the house with everyday chores.
What many employers are now seeing is a generation of twenty-somethings entering the workforce who are poorly equipped to deal with real life. These young folks are not merely reluctant to work from the bottom up. In fact, they're often demanding the corner office! When given difficult or unusual tasks, they choose to quit instead of rising to the challenge. There is a generation of young folks walking around with a sense of entitlement. There's also a growing percentage of young adults with a steady income happily living with their parents. Rather than working for your rewards, they're expecting the world to fall into their laps.
Okay, so how do we parents avoid raising wimpy child or an unruly delinquent? How can we become parents of the shining citizens we're seeing with medals adorned around their neck, without actually having to raise an Olympian. Because let's face it, some of our kids may not be athletically gifted. How do we balance the parent that our children are not afraid to approach with their concerns and joys, but are also not pushovers that walked on by their kids? How do we command respect without being overbearing? How do we end up with well-adjusted, well-mannered, hard-working, earnest, respectful offspring?
Isn't that the sixty-four million dollar question?
I guess we keep trying what we're going now. We try to set good examples by also displaying respect to our partners (with the occasional yelling at the spouse). We try to engage our children in conversation every day. We teach our children to respect our environment by recycling and not littering. We teach our children the importance if health by providing nutritious and well-balanced meals most of the time. (Whether or not they eat it is another topic.) We try not to yell but we try to instill some fear in them. After all, without some fear, children will indeed ignore all the boundaries. Fear is not a bad thing. They should be fearful of running across the road. They should be fearful of red burners on the stovetop, of the skull and bones symbol, of the strangers they don't recognize. We let them fall sometimes so they know they'll survive the scraped knee or elbow. We let them fall sometimes so they also understand why we've told them not to climb that unsteady structure.
We guide them through various activities. We teach them to play games. We help with homework because we all want our kid to be the best. But we also don't do their homework because it's important for the child to actually learn the concepts. I've already learned my A-B-C's. We don't let them win every game of Go Fish because they need to experience the sensation of losing. We cheer when the soccer team scores a goal because we need to teach good sportsmanship. Sometimes we have to spank our children so they understand the consequences of their actions. Sometimes the naughty stool time-outs are not enough to send the message. We make our children apologize when their actions hurt another, be it physically or emotionally. At the end of the day, we're there to hug our children and comfort them when it's needed. Above all else, no matter how many times they've been disciplined that day, or praised for their actions, we want our children to know they're loved and they're not alone in this crazy business of life.
And as our precious offspring slumber, we review the day in our minds and wonder if we've done the right thing. Was there a better way to impart a particular lesson? Should I have been so rough on them for spilling the milk everywhere and then hitting their sibling? Did I praise his efforts at printing? Did I cheer too loudly when he scored that goal? Should I have forced her to eat that last piece of broccoli? Did we allow too many treats tonight? Will we have "good" kids? Am I a "good" parent?
Parenthood - the hardest job we'll ever have.
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