Disclaimer - Please remember, the views expressed in this post are mine alone.
Given my line of work, I do see lots of problem kids, and sometimes their families. Every time I encounter one of these children, I wonder to myself, how do I NOT raise a child like *that*. It's a conversation my co-workers and I often have, and the one consistent theme we've returned to is - STAY INVOLVED. Easier said than done. Our lives are busy. We're juggling demanding careers, some of us commute, most of have more than one child, some of us also are caring for other family members, some are single parents, in addition to the usual day-to-day pressures of just surviving.
I recently dealt with a case where the parents had simply no control over their teenaged son. What was more profound was that it seemed that both mom and dad had given up on this child. The father was well-aware that the boy was smoking dope heavily, but did nothing to deal with it, aside from lecturing the kid to make sure pot was interfering with school work. Dad thought his son was going into grade 11 while mom thought he was taking grade 10. Neither parent knew their child's friends, and both were unaware of the court conditions their son was on. In fact, dad was surprised to hear that his child had recently been sentenced.
This child resided at home with both parents, yet it was clear that both parents were clueless about their child's whereabouts, schooling, peer group or anything else that mattered. Is it any wonder this kid was in court again?
Okay, maybe I'm taking an extreme example. But there are parents out there who have no clue as to their child's social activities, nor their school schedule. I've asked many parents what classes their son or daughter were taking, only to be met with blank stares. There are parents who are stunned to discover that police have found drugs in their child's bedroom or knapsack. Parents who are shocked to learn their child is communicating in Internet chat rooms frequented by predators. I honestly believe that children under the age of 18 years should not be allowed to have a Facebook page or My Space page. There are too many crazy individuals out there who are more tech savvy than the hapless parent. Police lecture over and over again to parents the importance of having the family computer in an open area, like the family room or kitchen so that parents can monitor what their children are doing. Or removing access to the Internet on other computers the children may have access to, but not all families are practicing this. When confronted by outraged teenagers who scream about "invasion of privacy", many parents will acquiesce to their children instead of braving the fight. Kids are smart. Once their parents have given in one area, they know it'll be easy to bend another rule. Curfews get later and later. So many parents are content with the line "Going to my friend's" without asking more probing questions, like who that friend is, where the friend lives, and whether or not adult supervision will be available.
At a recent get together with good friends, we discussed work hours and working conditions in general, particularly the long-ish hours my husband logs. While I do complain about the hours he works, the rugrats' dad is always home for dinner and the various activities for the children. He's only late when the GO train is delayed. Which means, whatever doesn't get done at the office during the day gets done late at night or early in the morning when the kiddies are snoozing. His job is also flexible enough to allow him to work from home on occasion so he can attend school assemblies and the kids' medical appointments when I cannot. When she heard this, our friend went on and on about the importance of putting in the long hours now, especially given this treacherous economy. I wasn't sure where she was going, but she was relating how their acquaintance had been sacked recently when the company has discovered this individual was spending more and more time doing errands and dealing with kids when "working from home". I came away with the impression that it was more important to put in the "face" time at the office, since the kids are young now. Once the career is well-established, there would be time for a more relaxed pace. I'm not certain, but I believe that was premised on the fact that older children are involved in more time-consuming activities and the teen aged years are more troublesome and would required more parental involvement.
Both my husband and I disagree with this concept. Our children are young, and now is the time to "be there" for them. Firstly, we are both established enough in our careers that we are not still jockeying for positions in our respective organizations. I'm also fortunate enough to have a secure job. Secondly, I think both of our employers appreciate and understand the importance of family. Thirdly, having set the pattern now that our children are our utmost in priority will guide us in our future decisions regarding career paths. Besides, whether or not children are 5 or 15 years of age, parenting is time-consuming and soul-encompassing task at any and every stage.
We only have this once chance to raise our children right. If a home is built on an unstable foundation and shoddily constructed, any idiot can tell you what will happen the minute that structure is subjected to any form of stress. The same is true for the parent-child relationship. If you've been so wrapped up in establishing your career, that you don't get to know your child, how can you hope to build a relationship when that child is older? You've already sent the message to your children that they are not the most important in your life. Similarly if you're only there to discipline the misbehaving kid, how can you expect that kid to ever open up to you about his or her dreams, fears, questions?
The time to invest in my children's future is now. We need to lay down the groundwork to building a healthy relationship where they will listen, obey, respect and trust us as their parents. While we may be strict, we truly believe it's for their own benefit. Children need limits, and they need to be told "No" every so often. Yes, they cry and whine and throw tantrums, but eventually they will learn that their will is not my command. Giving in to every whim and desire will merely breed a spoiled brat.
We try to eat one meal together as a family. Generally, that's dinner, and we take the time to converse with our kids. Whether it's asking what he learned in school, or listening to the latest adventure the princess had with Barbie. We pore over the progress reports and make efforts to speak with the teachers. We enroll our rugrats in various activities to enrich their lives, but also to keep them busy and to lay down the foundation to a diverse peer group.
By setting out the pattern now, when they are young, will make life easier for all parties when the children are older. For instance, having known that dinner is family time when they're young, means they will know no different when they're older. If we follow through with the punishments now, our children will expect no less when they're teenagers. Rather than trying to assign chores at a later age, our children know that toys are to be picked up every evening, dirty clothes belong in their laundry baskets and plates and cutlery are to be put into the sink once they're finished a meal or a snack. Even Aisling can reach up and pitch her (plastic) bowl into the sink. Attempting to set boundaries and discipline when the children are older, I think, would be akin to closing the barn door after the horse has escaped!
We have the rest of our lives to earn a living, or make headlines with our careers, but that is not true of being parents. You have one chance to parent. One chance to screw up a child's life, or not. One chance to instill yourself in your child's life as a parent, mentor, educator, and trusted ally.
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