Sometimes we parents forget the rule that "it's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game". Even though we try to stress that it's all about learning team work, developing coordination, and above all else, having fun, we do get caught up in the number of goals that's been scored and by whom. There are lots of stories about the those horrendous hockey parents who get barred from attending practices and games because they either berate the coaches, the referees or they are constantly nagging their child. Or the soccer parent who allegedly threatened a referee with a gun over a disputed call. There are stories about child prodigies and their ever present parent who coached them from the moment they could hold the tennis racket or golf club. Remember the You Tube video of the next soccer star - I think the kid was 9!
It's a bit much. What ever happened to signing up for sports at a recreational level? These days, it seems like if you don't get your kid enrolled in a sport by age 6, the child will lag behind others in that sport. Kids as young as 8 or 9 have baseball practices and games two nights a week. Nutty!
I know there are a multitude of reasons for getting children involved in sports or other physical activities. It occupies the child and tires them out. It's a great opportunity for more physical exercise, given our country's growing problem with obese children. It's also a chance for the children to meet others, learn how to play on a team, and develop some sports skills. After school sports also provides a time for parents to share in their children's lives by volunteering as a coach. If nothing else, there's all that time you get together in the car when you're chauffeuring your child to various activities. Sometimes it's because we have fond memories of participating in that sport when we were younger. And let's be honest, it's also about providing opportunities for our children that we may not have had ourselves.
Our monkeys are enrolled in various activities - dance, gymnastics, swimming and soccer. This is the last week of soccer, and it's been an experience. We didn't think Ceilidh would take to soccer, given her personality. She's surprised us all by how fast she can get from one end of the filed to the other, and she's learned how to play defence well. While she may be aggressive with her older brother, she's bit shy when she actually gets the ball. However, we've seen her give as good as she gets too. One game, an opposing player kept grabbing at Ceilidh's jersey whenever Ceilidh was near the soccer ball. Finally, Ceilidh gave into her natural instincts and pushed back with a "light" hip check the next time the same player got a fistful of her jersey. Down went the player, and Ceilidh had a clean shot at the ball. But as a 4 year old, there were many moments spent chatting with another player rather than chasing the ball.
Now Devlin, well that's been another story. The first two years of soccer, he dazzled us all with this speed on the field and he was adept at scoring goals too. This year, the playing field was of a different caliber. Now the league was all boys and the players were of varying heights (usually much taller), weights (more than Devlin!) and skill. There was a goalie on the field, and it's much harder to score when there's someone blocking your way. This soccer season was frustrating for Devlin, who often got knocked down by the larger players, but he still managed to improve as a defensive player. His smaller frame was ideal for getting into the scrum to kick out the ball, although not so great when he played net. His goalkeeping talents leave much to be desired. Think sieve.
Part of the problem of course, as with many 6 year olds, was an attention span that kept wandering away from the game. Too often, I found myself yelling "Keep your eyes on the ball" or "Devlin, stop fooling around and get ready for the ball!" There were other parents cheering, or "coaching" from the sidelines, and many others who were content to sit and watch and clap when a ball managed to find its way past the goalposts and goalie. It would be frustrating to watch Devlin's soccer games, and just as frustrating to watch Ceilidh's too. Why couldn't we be the parents who were happy to sit on the sidelines with a camera in one hand and a drink in the other? Why were we always "coaching" from the sidelines, yelling out where to look and when to run?
I guess the answer partly lies in our personalities. Both my husband and I are type A, uber-competitive souls. (I'm the first-born and a lawyer - how could I not be type A?) I think it's nearly impossible for either one of us to sit quietly and observe. You should see Wayne at a frisbee game! So we transpose our competitiveness and our desire to excel onto our children. Which is okay to a point. No one wants to raise a slacker. Children need to be motivated. Otherwise no one would be potty trained.
But there's a fine balance between wanting our children to excel and the idea that "winning is everything". I was reminded of that last night. As we snuggled together in bed, Devlin was pouty. In fact, he had been difficult all day. We got to the root of the problem.
Mommy: Did you have fun at soccer tonight?
Devlin: Yeah, but I didn't score any goals this year. Not like last year.
Mommy: But you did so well in being a defensive player this year. You supported your teammates by taking the ball away and passing it to them. That's a very important part of soccer too.
Devlin: But I'm not any good. I didn't score any goals.
Well, it hit me that perhaps our over-zealous desire to succeed had translated into scoring goals for our child. I re-iterated to him that scoring goals is not the most important thing. In fact, being a supportive team player and learning to master different skills is also important, if not more. I told him, above all else, it was about having fun. Did he have fun? Yes he did. Did he have fun at soccer camp the week before? Yes he did. Did he learn new things at soccer camp? Yes. Well then, goal accomplished.
As he fell asleep, I reminded him that our frisbee team isn't doing too well in the winning games aspect. However, it was about having fun, getting exercise and learning something new. As he slept, I had to repeat that mantra to myself and remind myself to repeat it often - to me, to my husband, to my children. I'm not planning on raising the next Pele or Tiger Woods. No. What I want is to raise children who are well-rounded in all aspects of life, who are not sore losers and can see success in all of its various forms.
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